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Putting Your Writing on a Word Loss Diet

September 10, 2012

Guest blogger Rayne Hall is professional writer and editor.  She writes fantasy, horror and historical fiction and edits a series of themed multi-author anthologies.

In thirty years as an editor, I’ve found the same fatty words bloat the style of many authors.

Here is a notorious, fattening, calorie-rich word: ‘could’.  If you cut it from your diet, your writing style will be come sharper and tighter.

Beginner writers are prone to overusing it. Experienced authors may use it a lot in their drafts, but edit it out in the final version.

Instead of telling us that the heroine could see, could hear, could smell or could feel something, let her see, hear, smell, taste, feel it. Simply cut the word ‘could’.

‘Could see’ becomes ‘saw’, ‘Could hear’ becomes ‘heard’, ‘could smell’ becomes ‘smelled’, ‘ could taste’ becomes ‘tasted’, ‘could feel’ becomes ‘felt’.

Better still: cut ‘see/hear/smell/taste/feel’ as well.  If you have established the point of view of your story, you don’t need to say that your PoV hears the sounds, smells the smells and sees the visions.

Obese version (before diet)

He could hear footsteps clanking down the stairs.

Overweight version (after mild diet)

He heard footsteps clanking down the stairs.

Slim version (after strict diet)

Footsteps clanked down the stairs.

Obese version (before diet)

She could see his lips beginning to twitch.

Overweight version (after mild diet)

She saw his lips beginning to twitch.

Slim version (after strict diet)

His lips twitched.

Obese version (before diet)

She could feel her cheeks firing.

Overweight version (after mild diet)

She felt her cheeks firing.

Slim version (after strict diet)

Her cheeks fired.

Obese version (before diet)

She could sense that something was wrong.

Overweight version (after mild diet)

She sensed that something was wrong.

Slim version (after strict diet)

Something was wrong.

Obese version (before diet)

He could understand that it was time to leave.

Overweight version (after mild diet)

He understood it was time to leave.

Slim version (after strict diet)

It was time to leave.

Obese version (before diet)

He could feel the air chill.

Overweight version (after mild diet)

He felt the air chill.

Slim version (after strict diet)

The air chilled.

Use your computer’s Find & Replace tool to count how many times you’ve used ‘could’, and cut most of them.

This will help make your writing style tight and toned.

Rayne Hall teaches online workshops for intermediate, advanced and professional level writers. Topics include ‘Writing Fight Scenes’, ‘Writing Short Stories to Promote Your Novels’, ‘Writing Scary Scenes’,  ‘Writing about Magic and Magicians’,  and more.

One of the classes is ‘The Word-Loss Diet’. If your writing style tends towards wordy waffling, if your critique partners urge you to tighten, and if editorial rejections point out dragging pace, this class may be the answer. It’s perfect for toning your manuscript before submitting to editors and agents, or for whipping it into shape before indie publishing.  This is an interactive class with twelve lessons and twelve assignments, for writers who have a full or partial manuscript in need of professional polish. At the end of the class, you may submit a scene for individual critiques.

This class runs again in November 2012. http://lrwa.thinkflowdesign.com/all-online-workshops/#NOV

For an up-to-date list of Rayne’s next classes, go to

https://sites.google.com/site/writingworkshopswithraynehall/

A selection of books by Rayne Hall is available from Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Rayne-Hall/e/B006BSJ5BK

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  • http://www.facebook.com/judithoman Judi Thoman

    This just goes to show that no matter how long we’ve been writing we can learn something. I’ve never thought of getting rid of the word could. Thanks!

    • http://twitter.com/RayneHall Rayne Hall

      Have you used the word a lot in your writing, Judi?

  • Millie Burns

    I’m a bit chagrined to say I could’ve gotten rid of a lot of coulds in my first book(sheepish grin). But this is what I have to say to that…I have a new tool in my box to sweeten my writing. Thanks ever so much for this honing skill, I am enlightened!

    • http://twitter.com/RayneHall Rayne Hall

      Hi Millie, I know that feeling. When I read what I wrote years ago, I see so many flaws, it makes me cringe. I’m just glad I used different pen names then. :-D On the positive side, it shows how much we’ve grown as writers. Adding another skill to our writing toolbox is always good. With every tool we acquire, our writing becomes better.

  • http://www.venturegalleries.com Stephen Woodfin

    Rayne, thanks for the good advice. I do this all the time. Often, I spot the obese version, but stop at the overweight one.

    • http://twitter.com/RayneHall Rayne Hall

      Hi Stephen, You’re the CEO of your writing. You decide what shape you want your writing to have, and what style suits your individual voice. You may choose to stop at the overweight version, or you may decide to slim further for a lean look, it’s up to you.

  • Guest

    Thanks :)

    I usually do the slim version, but sometimes the overweight one flows better, at least in my eyes.

    • http://twitter.com/RayneHall Rayne Hall

      As the author, you know best what suits your individual author voice, and the style of that particular piece of prose. My suggestions are are just suggestions; they’re not intended as rules. Advice which suits most stories doesn’t suit every story. Ultimately, only the author can decide what’s right for their writing. :-)

      • http://twitter.com/RayneHall Rayne Hall

        Even within one work of fiction, the slim version may be right for some scenes, and the overweight version for others, depending on the pace. Fast-paced action scenes require a tight writing style, while slow-paced reflective scenes may be better served with the softening effect of a few extra words.

  • http://claudenougat.blogspot.com/ Claude Nougat

    Less is more, always! Thanks for the post, very useful!

    • http://twitter.com/RayneHall Rayne Hall

      Perhaps not “always” but most of the time :-)

  • http://twitter.com/writermama Laura Oliva

    Great post!

    The most common words/phrases I’ve edited from my manuscript: “For a moment”, “could”, “that”, “was”, plus a litany of “-ly” words. I was fortunate to find the book “Self-Editing For Writers” early on in my editing. Great resource! Brought a lot of my own novice mistakes to my attention.